If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
