You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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