My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
