remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
