I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
