shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
