he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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