looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
