Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
