Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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