we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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