drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
