Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
