I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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