So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
