I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
