I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
