dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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