naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
