It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
