all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
