we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
