This is not my ceiling
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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