I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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