This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
