Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
