some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
PS: I just woke up from my shower
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
