I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
