There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
