My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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