You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
