I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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