i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
