she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
