My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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