I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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