i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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