My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
