He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
