This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
