He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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