dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
