she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
