You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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