Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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