Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
