I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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