Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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