From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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