Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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