I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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