Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
