Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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