wakey wakey hands off snakey
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
